Second-String Fullback

Before I start this, if you hate Brett Favre or Katy Perry, two things reviled by a majority of people right now, I understand. Please, save yourself and don’t read this, because you will either hate me, yourself, or both. As another note, this will hopefully be the last post that I write regarding Favre this season. Thankfully. If you’ve made it this far, enter into the insanity that occurs when I have too much free time late at night. Do not click further if you plan to take this way too seriously.

You’ve heard Perry’s song called “Firework,” right? It’s everywhere right now, an aurally transmitted infection that won’t leave your head and aggravates you for what seems like forever. I don’t know how it came up on my playlist (that’s probably a lie), but for this one time, I paid close attention to the lyrics. So many people can’t decipher this cryptic song laden with themes. Fear not, Yahoo Answers losers, because I figured out the whole meaning of this song.

“Firework” is TOTALLY about Brett Favre.

Bear with me. If you ignored the warning at the beginning, you shouldn’t be closing this window just yet. I’m going to take you through the lyrics and show you why this is totally not the product of some drug-induced dream.

For the record, I took these lyrics from the “official website” of Perry. Also, I can’t find a copy of the song on Youtube that will let me embed it into the post (I tried for way longer than is necessary), so just click on it and open it in a new tab or whatever. Let’s begin.

Do you ever feel
Like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again

This part is clearly about Favre’s offseason. He’s just going through the motions when he’s not playing football, and look at that last line. What do you think he wants to start again? Riding his tractor? Hell no he doesn’t. He wants to start in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.

Do you ever feel
Feel so paper-thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

This is clearly about how vulnerable Favre feels. He’s poured out his emotions during his seasons with such events as his father’s death, winning a Super Bowl and the multiple crushing playoff losses. The last two lines also refer to his age and how he’s one hit away from ending his career.

Do you ever feel
Already buried deep
Six feet under
Screams but no one seems to hear a thing

Alright, this one’s tough. I’m going to go with more stuff about his age and how he’s one of the oldest guys in the league. Maybe he feels like no one’s listening to him, which contributes to his narcissistic tendencies to try and keep everyone’s attention week to week.

Do you know that there’s
Still a chance for you
‘Cause there’s a spark in you
You just gotta

We’re still in Favre’s offseason. He knows he has that “spark” still, that urge to play in the NFL, and he knows he can still do it.

Ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Favre can get that spark back again, go into football Favre mode and “own the night.” What’s “the night”? It obviously has to be primetime games, either Sunday or Monday night.

‘Cause baby, you’re a firework
Come on show them what you’re worth
Make them go, “Oh, oh, oh”
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you’re a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make them go, “Oh, oh, oh”
You’re gonna leave before they know

There are a couple interpretations of that last line. Like I said at the beginning, I took this from the “official website.” On another site, that last line reads as “You’re gonna leave ‘em all in awe, awe, awe.” If it was that way, it could be Favre’s drive to make everyone think he’s the greatest quarterback ever. Let’s stick to the one above, however. The people going “Oh, oh, oh” are definitely the people watching Favre play. The last line is about Favre’s frequent retirements and unretirements, making people unsure of when he’s actually there. It’s a confusing cycle, as we all know.

You don’t have to feel
Like a waste of space
You’re original
Cannot be replaced

Who’s going to replace Favre? No one. Hate him or love him, you’ll always know his name, and he’ll always be mentioned when talking about all-time quarterbacks.

If you only knew
What the future holds
After a hurricane
Comes a rainbow

Favre’s unwillingness to actually retire is due to the fact that he doesn’t know life without football. In this part, Perry’s trying to reassure Favre that it’s alright to end his career and move onto other things.

Maybe the reason why
All the doors are closed
So you could open one
That leads you to the perfect …

When you listen to the song, the last line is “That leads you to the perfect road.” Not sure why it’s not there, but whatever. I saw this part as all the NFL teams shutting doors on Favre, not wanting to sign him or deal with his issues.. except for that one door.. the Minnesota Vikings.

Like a lightning bolt
Your heart will glow
And when it’s time you know
You just gotta

This is more about Favre knowing when it’s game-time and shit like that. Have you ever heard of repeating themes to emphasize them? Katy Perry isn’t a literary genius; we all know that.

After this, it’s the chorus again. We’re in the final stretch here. If you’ve made it this far, just hang on for the end.

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It’s always been inside of you, you, you
And now it’s time to let it through

You’re probably saying, “Alright, you asshole, how does Favre relate to the moon at all? This is stupid. You’re stupid. I hate you.” First of all, those are hateful words. Also, shut your face.

You want to know what “the moon” is? Do some research and you find out it’s WARREN MOON, and to refresh your memory, he was a former NFL and CFL quarterback for teams including the Edmonton Eskimos, Houston Oilers, and, oh yeah, THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS, the team Favre plays for right now.

We’re not done there, though. Totaling his career, Moon held the all-time records for most passing touchdowns, most pass completions, most pass attempts and most fumbles in professional football. One by one, Favre broke all of those records. Brett broke all the records of one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history.

The rest of the song is the chorus again and more talk about Favre being better than Moon, and that about sums up my presentation. If you hate me for this, let me know by emailing me at secondstringfullback@gmail.com.

By reading this thoroughly researched analytical review of a song by Katy Perry, you will never be able to listen to “Firework” the same way again. I found it a fitting gift for the gunslinger who is hopefully, mercifully in his last season as an NFL quarterback. I specify “NFL quarterback” because who knows? In two years he might get bored and try to start a comeback with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. Would it really surprise anyone?

There will be at least four head coaching jobs open by the end of the regular season and probably a couple more due to contracts or overall shittiness (John Fox, Marvin Lewis?). Normally, this is a great chance for some stellar coordinators to jump up to the next level and get one of these positions. One name popping up this season is Cleveland Browns defensive coordinator Rob Ryan.

From Mary Kay Cabot of the Cleveland Plain Dealer:

Sheldon Brown, a nine-year veteran NFL cornerback with six playoff seasons under his belt, says Browns defensive coordinator Rob Ryan is ready to be a head coach and promises to be a good one.

With about eight to 10 head coaching jobs likely opening by next week, Ryan is sure to get some interviews.

“I would be lying to you if I said he wasn’t ready to be a head coach,” said Brown. “I definitely know he’s ready to be a head coach. He’ll do a heck of a job for whoever he gets that job for and the team that gets him, they’re going to have a lot of fun, off the football field. It’s going to be like high school and college, that atmosphere. It’s going to be a great time.”

Brown said Rob’s twin brother, Rex, head coach of the Jets, has paved the way for flamboyant coaches.

“Rob brings some excitement to the game,” said Brown. “The game has changed a lot. There’s a lot of young players that like that type of coach and like to have fun. And obviously [with Rex Ryan] having the success in New York, it kind of shows that the game can be played that way and that you can win that way.”

Rob Ryan told the New York Times earlier this year that he’d be shocked if he wasn’t a head coach by 2011. On Friday, he said he wasn’t sure now because of the Browns’ record. But the defense is in the top 10 in several key categories — including the most important one — points allowed.

Well, we know he’s got the cocky attitude of his brother Rex. Seriously though, I bet Rob could definitely find as much success as a head coach as his brother. They are twins, so I bet they’re the exact same person. Imagine Rob as the Cowboys head coach? What a perfect pairing. It be the same as Rex with the Jets: a reviled team gets a loud-mouthed coach and changes their image from insufferable to entertaining. That would certainly be worth watching.

My ideal destination for Rob would be as the head coach of the Cleveland Browns, with Mangini being demoted to defensive coordinator. Has that ever happened before? A head coach and coordinator switching spots? I feel like both would be beneficial in their new spots. Rob’s got way more charisma, the team obviously loves him and Mangini was always a great defensive-minded coach. Mike Holmgren, if you want any help this offseason, trust me; I’m the guy. I’ve got SO many logged hours of Madden 11 on my resumé.